How I felt then, and now

I was asked this question today and it was not easy to answer! Here are some random thoughts I took out of my journal.

How I felt at 300 lbs

Short of Breath, Unhealthy, Took alot of pills for asthma & allergies, Sickly (hospitalized 2x for pneomonia and asthma in less than 2 years)

Lazy, Depressed, Sad, Unhappy, Unloved , Insecure, No desire to even leave the house and socialize.

I lost most of my friends due to my "unsocialable attitude" I didn't do anything on my time off of work but sit in front of the TV or computer. I rarely even saw my family.

I couldn't buy clothes so I didn't even bother to shop. When I did buy clothes they were sweat suits and T-shirts. I didn't take care of even my outward appearance. I would get up shower and leave for work with my hair wet and no make up. Weekends I'd stay in my pajamas for 2 days. I didn't do anything for myself to help my daily appearance, not even the small things we girls like to do like painting our nails.

My house was a mess. I would fight and cry about cleaning it with my ex. His fault? No I was just as bad and left stuff everywhere.

Passed up for positions at work I'm way overqualified for. People are judgemental against overweight people whether they admit it or not. Felt left out at work due to the same thing, people not talking to me or asking me questions when they knew I could help them.

Personal relationship went to hell due to many reasons on both of us. But I didn't help things I was so unhappy with myself even if I didn't realize it yet that I took some of that frustration out on him. Insecure, I had been with this man for 4 years and he never once saw me naked! I hated myself and all there was about me physically and emotionally.

For years I was unhappy with who I was but never did anything about it, and let that unhappiness continue to build up until it was way out of hand causing me to weigh 300lbs and forget who I was and wanted to be.

How I feel now after 110lbs lost

Healthier, I no longer have breathing problems, I didn't get sick at Christmas and end up in the hospital like I had in the past. My feet don't swell anymore woo hoo!

I pay attention to the things I eat, I don't crave the junk and sweets. I manage my portions. I stop eating when I'm full even if its something I love and just want more! I don't think about how food will make me feel better, I deal with the problems as they come instead of covering them with food.

I take care of my outward appearance. I love clothes again even tho I shop cheap and only buy stuff on sale since it won't fit me for long. I can shop at other stores besides Wal-mart! I get excited every time I buy a smaller size of jeans. I love going to get spa treatments to pamper myself. I paint my toenails again since I can see my feet I'm a girly girl what can I say I love getting my hair done, buying new make up, clothes, purses, perfumes things that make me "me".

I am happy with me, even still being overweight. I smile more. I take time to talk to people. I say Hi to people I don't know. I spend time with my family. I can sit on the floor and play with my baby niece or take her for walks. I looked up old friends and rekindled some of those lost relationships. I do things I always wanted to do or had not done in a long time. I went to Sea World my favorite place that I hadn't been to in 10 years. I tell my family and friends how much they mean to me. I thank them for all there encouragement and support. I started dancing again from workout tapes to going out. I took many dance classes growing up and loved it. Currently looking for a "workout" dance class at a gym or someplace. Discovering all the things I love and dreamed about when I was younger. Realized I do not need a man in my life to be happy that only I can make myself happy.

I'm not lazy anymore! Ok somedays I am :) I crave things to do, I look for things to do. I rarely watch TV. I read again from stories to books to help me with weight loss. I write in my journal daily. I take my dog to the park. I go the gym 5-6 days a week it is no longer a chore, it is something I love to do. My insecurities are gone. I have a positive outlook on my life now even tho I am still figuring out exactly what direction I want my life to go.

Promoted at work. People talk to me now that didn't before. I'm not embarassed when a customer comes in that I know but had never met. Overall work experience has completely changed, its amazing how people treat you differently.. sad really but they do discriminate against us for our weight