Food & Medicine....

So since I've been so sick this week my doctor has me loaded up on medicine, one of them being prednisone. This makes me want to eat constantly! I hate it.. I'm trying my best to not eat more then I should but its not too easy! I have alot of things on my mind and things I need to do, I just wish I would hurry up and get better! I'm ready to hit the gym and get back on weight watchers.

Soon, Soon I hope! Before weight comes back on..

What makes me happy?

Well one year has passed almost since I last posted here so I'm trying to get back into things. Writing is my sanity. It helps me focus on what is important to me. I love writing and I must not forget these small things in life that let me be me. For without these I get all out of place, I gained weight, my self confidence lost, my future goals gone.

So what makes me happy?

1. My boyfriend Brett, he is the best! He supports me in my goals and encourages me. He even gets frustrated with me when I get to hard on myself.

2. My puppy Candie, playing with her, taking her for walks, going to the dog parks.

3. Writing is my chance to think, this is my time to realize who I am and who I want to be.

4. Exercising keeps me full of energy and boosts my self confidence.

5. Girly things :) Nails, Hair, Spa Treatments

Thats enough for today! But I will be back! No more slacking on the writing.

The day my life changed is approaching..

I wrote this in another blog (Myspace of course hehe) and directed some of you here. I only hope this will let you get to know me better.

Feb 20,06 the day I changed my life.. its almost here!
So.. February 20 is approaching the day my life changed.. The day I'll always remember. The day all my true friends showed me who they were. In this last year so many things in my life have changed, I'm a different person, I'm actually happy. Here are just a few things I want to say.

Ex - Feb 20 the day you walked out the door. I thought my life was over. I picked up your mess you left behind, I borrowed money to survive, I packed everything in the apartment and moved it, even with all the memories tearing me apart. I didn't get the coward exit that you did I had to deal with it. Dealing with the problem instead of escaping has taught me many things and I'm now proud of who I am. I will never forgive you for the way you left, for never speaking to me and giving me any explanation, for taking my dogs and never returning them. You knew how much they meant to me and that was just an extra stab to break my heart even more. I no longer need or want your reasons, you never made me truly happy but I thank you for giving me life back for if I hadn't gone through all of this, I wouldn't be the strong person I am today. I could care less what you do with that truck anymore. Someday it will haunt you but maybe you will grow up.

Mom, Dad, Melissa - Thank you for listening to me, letting me cry, being at my side just so I wasn't alone, giving me advice, giving me the money I needed. For the continous support you have given me over the year to help me become who I am today, encouraging me to achieve my goals. I can finally feel for once I have made you proud to be your daughter or sister. Melissa I cannot thank you enough for letting me be apart of Tatum's birth, that alone helped me changed my life.

Steven - Thank you for helping me move. For being the little brother who wanted to kick some ass to stick up for me. For your blunt comments helped me realize he wasn't worth crying for and I needed to get it together.

Samantha - Thank you for all the sleepless nights I kept you awake, for without your support I may have let depression get the best of me. For taking the time at a drop of hat when I needed you, for listening to me freak out. Your continueous encouragement to better myself.

Dawn - We weren't that close prior to this but that didn't matter you were there when I needed you. You even gave me money so I could have gas to go to work! You picked up the slack for me at work as my mind was not there. Joining the gym with me and encouraging me to keep it up. For noticing when my jeans were too big!shopping for clothes, listening to all my goals, dreams, fears, regardless of how crazy they were. Making me eat even if I didn't want to. We will get there together, having someone with the same goal as me as made it all that much easier to not loose track.

Misty - You are my longest friend, you know every experience I've ever been through. I called you one week before this to ask you to be in my wedding, and you said yes, regardless of the fact that we hadn't talked in almost 2 years. You were there for me if I was getting married or needed a shoulder to cry on. For talking to me about the same thing over and over reminding me of who I am, and all those dreams we had since we were 18 and living in our tiny apartment. For all the crazy diets I tried and you'd try with me, for all the crazy reasons I even wanted to diet, you always told me to do it for me, to love me for me, for once I finally got it.

Dave - You have always been there for me, listening to me ramble about my sadness, fears, crazy stories of men in my life. You never judged me or asked questions. You let me be me. I was able to achieve some of my goals and dreams simply because of you. You took me to Sea World my favorite place I hadn't been to in 10 years, to see dolphins and watched me cry at the Shamu show and didn't think I was a weirdo! You took me to the ocean just because I said I wanted to go, regardless of the fact that it was late at night. You taught me how to be happy with myself again.

Thank you all very much my friends :)

My true test of will power, will I make it?

Today went pretty good. I did wake up a bit late and was pretty tired when I first got home from work, but still made myself go to the gym and of course now I'm not tired at all! If I didn't go to work so early (or if I was a morning person hehe) I wouldn't mind working out in the morning. These evening workouts are keeping me up all night! Tomorrow is Valentines Day and dreading it all the same. Feb 20th last year is the day I became single again so V-Day last year wasn't all that exciting ... it was pretty much worthless gifts with nothing behind it. I admit I'm nervous that in these next few weeks some of those old feelings of depression, insecurities will start to creep up again. I don't want to eat my way through it so I must be aware of feelings and deal with them as I have for nearly a year now. The last thing I want is to slip off my routine of getting more healthy and loosing my last 40lbs. These next few weeks I feel will be my true test of will power and all of the things I have learned and changed in my life. I cannot let my past hurt my future

I went to the gym tonight and did 45 mins of cardio on the eliptical doing my set of 1 min running 5 mins walking. I feel pretty good and liked the ability to push myself and then cool down.

Calories were up today which is a good thing for me! Finishing off the day 1490 which is really high for me actually (but I had a piece of chocolate damn those Valentines Kisses!)

I got some roses from my Mom with a very nice card telling me how proud she is of me and how beautiful she thinks I am inside and out. It made me cry but feel all the better at the same time knowing she's proud of me.

Ok well I'm off to do some reading and hopefully sleep at some point

New Exercise Plan.. for now

So here is the new plan that I'm starting today, off to the gym I go :) But wanted to update a few posts!

3 days per week 45 min cardio. Usually the eliptical trainer set on random I will vary the level. (Its a Life Cycle Cross Trainer Machine) I've tried to add in that interval training as I was advised to do 1min fast then slow for 5 mins and watch the rate my heart rate drops if it doesn't drop fast enough to add another minute of slow. I have been doing this everytime I do my 45 min workout. My gym is small so I don't have a big range of cardio. I need a new gym! My heart rate stays in the 155-160 range on slow and up to 170ish on fast.

1 Day a week when I don't do 45 min at the gym. I take my dog for a walk the time varies but I set my ipod for 1hour of music and try to not come back till the end.

2 days per week I do 20 mins cardio on the treadmill and 30-40 mins of resistance training. I have a cycle set up that I have changed monthly with my 1 free training each month My arms are week so 2 sets of 15 only on those machines. I can't name all the machines but he tells me it works every major muslce.

I do each visit sit ups on a ball. My main focus of weight loss is in this area, my arms, legs, are all relatively thin. All of my weight seems to be in the middle

I try not to vary from this but sometimes I have no time to get to the gym and I will sneak in some home quick pilates video.

How do I tell new or old friends?

So the weekend was pretty much a bust at exercise and eating right. But I had some good conversations with a few personal trainers at the party I went to on Friday night. So I have came up with a new plan for exercise. Today was a mild day, nothing exciting or dramatic. Apparently Monday night is the new "family night" for my family so it was over to Mom's again where she had chicken (baked this time!) as neither me or my sister eat red meat, salad, and veggies. I resisted the pasta yay! I won't get into the gym tonight because of the time but I did a pilates video that I have here. Man that makes my stomach muslces hurt! It feels good tho.

Avoiding the scale till Thursday for the Feb goal. Weighing everyday just upsets me when I don't see a loss so I try to only weigh once a week. It felt good to be at the party on Friday and meet new people who were in shock when they found out about my weight loss. My friends and Co-workers seem to like to tell everyone..

Something I'm thinking about lately.. how do you tell an old friend you haven't seen, or maybe a new friend about your loss. It embarrases me but at the same time I feel proud of what I have accomplished and sharing it with others. For instance.. I have a long time friend that never saw me when I was at my heaviest. He realizes I'm trying to loose these last lbs but has no idea on the amount I've lost so far. How do I bring it up? Do I even bother? He is someone I care about and yet I don't want to hide it.. these are the things pondering my thoughts lately! I'm sure I'll be bringing this up for a bit till I figure out the best way :)

Slacking..

So I have been slacking at writing these last few days..But once again tomorrow is Monday with another fresh week! I went out this weekend with some friends and celebrated that 2.5lbs weight loss a wee bit too much hehe. I don't beat myself up over a few days of not really sticking to my meal plans. I just know that I must not slip too far away! Tomorrow I start again (didn't I say that last week haha) I'll get into more writing too as that helps soo much! :)