The day my life changed is approaching..

I wrote this in another blog (Myspace of course hehe) and directed some of you here. I only hope this will let you get to know me better.

Feb 20,06 the day I changed my life.. its almost here!
So.. February 20 is approaching the day my life changed.. The day I'll always remember. The day all my true friends showed me who they were. In this last year so many things in my life have changed, I'm a different person, I'm actually happy. Here are just a few things I want to say.

Ex - Feb 20 the day you walked out the door. I thought my life was over. I picked up your mess you left behind, I borrowed money to survive, I packed everything in the apartment and moved it, even with all the memories tearing me apart. I didn't get the coward exit that you did I had to deal with it. Dealing with the problem instead of escaping has taught me many things and I'm now proud of who I am. I will never forgive you for the way you left, for never speaking to me and giving me any explanation, for taking my dogs and never returning them. You knew how much they meant to me and that was just an extra stab to break my heart even more. I no longer need or want your reasons, you never made me truly happy but I thank you for giving me life back for if I hadn't gone through all of this, I wouldn't be the strong person I am today. I could care less what you do with that truck anymore. Someday it will haunt you but maybe you will grow up.

Mom, Dad, Melissa - Thank you for listening to me, letting me cry, being at my side just so I wasn't alone, giving me advice, giving me the money I needed. For the continous support you have given me over the year to help me become who I am today, encouraging me to achieve my goals. I can finally feel for once I have made you proud to be your daughter or sister. Melissa I cannot thank you enough for letting me be apart of Tatum's birth, that alone helped me changed my life.

Steven - Thank you for helping me move. For being the little brother who wanted to kick some ass to stick up for me. For your blunt comments helped me realize he wasn't worth crying for and I needed to get it together.

Samantha - Thank you for all the sleepless nights I kept you awake, for without your support I may have let depression get the best of me. For taking the time at a drop of hat when I needed you, for listening to me freak out. Your continueous encouragement to better myself.

Dawn - We weren't that close prior to this but that didn't matter you were there when I needed you. You even gave me money so I could have gas to go to work! You picked up the slack for me at work as my mind was not there. Joining the gym with me and encouraging me to keep it up. For noticing when my jeans were too big!shopping for clothes, listening to all my goals, dreams, fears, regardless of how crazy they were. Making me eat even if I didn't want to. We will get there together, having someone with the same goal as me as made it all that much easier to not loose track.

Misty - You are my longest friend, you know every experience I've ever been through. I called you one week before this to ask you to be in my wedding, and you said yes, regardless of the fact that we hadn't talked in almost 2 years. You were there for me if I was getting married or needed a shoulder to cry on. For talking to me about the same thing over and over reminding me of who I am, and all those dreams we had since we were 18 and living in our tiny apartment. For all the crazy diets I tried and you'd try with me, for all the crazy reasons I even wanted to diet, you always told me to do it for me, to love me for me, for once I finally got it.

Dave - You have always been there for me, listening to me ramble about my sadness, fears, crazy stories of men in my life. You never judged me or asked questions. You let me be me. I was able to achieve some of my goals and dreams simply because of you. You took me to Sea World my favorite place I hadn't been to in 10 years, to see dolphins and watched me cry at the Shamu show and didn't think I was a weirdo! You took me to the ocean just because I said I wanted to go, regardless of the fact that it was late at night. You taught me how to be happy with myself again.

Thank you all very much my friends :)

My true test of will power, will I make it?

Today went pretty good. I did wake up a bit late and was pretty tired when I first got home from work, but still made myself go to the gym and of course now I'm not tired at all! If I didn't go to work so early (or if I was a morning person hehe) I wouldn't mind working out in the morning. These evening workouts are keeping me up all night! Tomorrow is Valentines Day and dreading it all the same. Feb 20th last year is the day I became single again so V-Day last year wasn't all that exciting ... it was pretty much worthless gifts with nothing behind it. I admit I'm nervous that in these next few weeks some of those old feelings of depression, insecurities will start to creep up again. I don't want to eat my way through it so I must be aware of feelings and deal with them as I have for nearly a year now. The last thing I want is to slip off my routine of getting more healthy and loosing my last 40lbs. These next few weeks I feel will be my true test of will power and all of the things I have learned and changed in my life. I cannot let my past hurt my future

I went to the gym tonight and did 45 mins of cardio on the eliptical doing my set of 1 min running 5 mins walking. I feel pretty good and liked the ability to push myself and then cool down.

Calories were up today which is a good thing for me! Finishing off the day 1490 which is really high for me actually (but I had a piece of chocolate damn those Valentines Kisses!)

I got some roses from my Mom with a very nice card telling me how proud she is of me and how beautiful she thinks I am inside and out. It made me cry but feel all the better at the same time knowing she's proud of me.

Ok well I'm off to do some reading and hopefully sleep at some point

New Exercise Plan.. for now

So here is the new plan that I'm starting today, off to the gym I go :) But wanted to update a few posts!

3 days per week 45 min cardio. Usually the eliptical trainer set on random I will vary the level. (Its a Life Cycle Cross Trainer Machine) I've tried to add in that interval training as I was advised to do 1min fast then slow for 5 mins and watch the rate my heart rate drops if it doesn't drop fast enough to add another minute of slow. I have been doing this everytime I do my 45 min workout. My gym is small so I don't have a big range of cardio. I need a new gym! My heart rate stays in the 155-160 range on slow and up to 170ish on fast.

1 Day a week when I don't do 45 min at the gym. I take my dog for a walk the time varies but I set my ipod for 1hour of music and try to not come back till the end.

2 days per week I do 20 mins cardio on the treadmill and 30-40 mins of resistance training. I have a cycle set up that I have changed monthly with my 1 free training each month My arms are week so 2 sets of 15 only on those machines. I can't name all the machines but he tells me it works every major muslce.

I do each visit sit ups on a ball. My main focus of weight loss is in this area, my arms, legs, are all relatively thin. All of my weight seems to be in the middle

I try not to vary from this but sometimes I have no time to get to the gym and I will sneak in some home quick pilates video.

How do I tell new or old friends?

So the weekend was pretty much a bust at exercise and eating right. But I had some good conversations with a few personal trainers at the party I went to on Friday night. So I have came up with a new plan for exercise. Today was a mild day, nothing exciting or dramatic. Apparently Monday night is the new "family night" for my family so it was over to Mom's again where she had chicken (baked this time!) as neither me or my sister eat red meat, salad, and veggies. I resisted the pasta yay! I won't get into the gym tonight because of the time but I did a pilates video that I have here. Man that makes my stomach muslces hurt! It feels good tho.

Avoiding the scale till Thursday for the Feb goal. Weighing everyday just upsets me when I don't see a loss so I try to only weigh once a week. It felt good to be at the party on Friday and meet new people who were in shock when they found out about my weight loss. My friends and Co-workers seem to like to tell everyone..

Something I'm thinking about lately.. how do you tell an old friend you haven't seen, or maybe a new friend about your loss. It embarrases me but at the same time I feel proud of what I have accomplished and sharing it with others. For instance.. I have a long time friend that never saw me when I was at my heaviest. He realizes I'm trying to loose these last lbs but has no idea on the amount I've lost so far. How do I bring it up? Do I even bother? He is someone I care about and yet I don't want to hide it.. these are the things pondering my thoughts lately! I'm sure I'll be bringing this up for a bit till I figure out the best way :)

Slacking..

So I have been slacking at writing these last few days..But once again tomorrow is Monday with another fresh week! I went out this weekend with some friends and celebrated that 2.5lbs weight loss a wee bit too much hehe. I don't beat myself up over a few days of not really sticking to my meal plans. I just know that I must not slip too far away! Tomorrow I start again (didn't I say that last week haha) I'll get into more writing too as that helps soo much! :)

Mom's cooking

So excited to start of my day with my new food plan all set up, I talk to my mom around lunch and she's cooking fried chicken, mashed potatoes, peas, biscuits, gravy!!!! @#$% Was about all I had to say lol luckily I had talked to her early enough since I sensed something was going on tonight to find out. I still got around 1300 calories today even with my out of the ordinary dinner. My favorite thing is mashed potatoes but I can tell so many differences then before. I used to get a giant spoonful of them but tonight just a little. I was full, satisfied, not that overly full feeling where you just can't move. And I left food on my plate! :) Its been a year of this and I admit it feels good to know that food doesn't call my name anymore, you all should know what I mean by that, I can walk away from it and not feel like Im missing something.

Bought a new scale , will weigh in the morning :) All in all was a good day and another obstacle I made it through :)

Bye for now!

New week, New Start

Weekend is over yay! :) I can't believe I'm saying that, but I'm actually excited for tomorrow to start. I'm ready to get this going again with new food plans! Going to weigh in the morning and see where Im at again. Hoping its below 190 :) Thursday is my official weigh day for my monthly goal but I want to check to see where I am at before then. Weekend was pretty uneventful but relaxing. Did alot of writing and thinking which always seems to help me work through things. Emotionally I'm doing good, happy. I am just taking this time to work on me. I have been missing one of my close friends lately and I plan on getting in touch with him this week. Its a weird situation and it confuses me but neither of us are in a place right now to take our friendship any further, but I miss him. So you might see me writing alot about that for a few days till I work through this. I've come to recognize things early on when they start to overwhelm my thoughts, but now I work through them instead of burying them and covering it with food hoping it will go away! Time for me to get some sleep have to be well rested for my fresh start! :)

1340 Calories

Did well with food today, got in 1340 calories! Thats an improvement from the last few weeks. Hopefully able to do the same tomororw. My meals are planned out for next week so I'm ready to go back to work Monday with enough food to help me reach my calories. Emotions aren't running crazy lately although starting to miss a few friends, I'll have to give them a call.

Time to sleep :) Long day but enjoyed it. Its 4am and I'm just now sleeping! wow .. bye!

How I felt then, and now

I was asked this question today and it was not easy to answer! Here are some random thoughts I took out of my journal.

How I felt at 300 lbs

Short of Breath, Unhealthy, Took alot of pills for asthma & allergies, Sickly (hospitalized 2x for pneomonia and asthma in less than 2 years)

Lazy, Depressed, Sad, Unhappy, Unloved , Insecure, No desire to even leave the house and socialize.

I lost most of my friends due to my "unsocialable attitude" I didn't do anything on my time off of work but sit in front of the TV or computer. I rarely even saw my family.

I couldn't buy clothes so I didn't even bother to shop. When I did buy clothes they were sweat suits and T-shirts. I didn't take care of even my outward appearance. I would get up shower and leave for work with my hair wet and no make up. Weekends I'd stay in my pajamas for 2 days. I didn't do anything for myself to help my daily appearance, not even the small things we girls like to do like painting our nails.

My house was a mess. I would fight and cry about cleaning it with my ex. His fault? No I was just as bad and left stuff everywhere.

Passed up for positions at work I'm way overqualified for. People are judgemental against overweight people whether they admit it or not. Felt left out at work due to the same thing, people not talking to me or asking me questions when they knew I could help them.

Personal relationship went to hell due to many reasons on both of us. But I didn't help things I was so unhappy with myself even if I didn't realize it yet that I took some of that frustration out on him. Insecure, I had been with this man for 4 years and he never once saw me naked! I hated myself and all there was about me physically and emotionally.

For years I was unhappy with who I was but never did anything about it, and let that unhappiness continue to build up until it was way out of hand causing me to weigh 300lbs and forget who I was and wanted to be.

How I feel now after 110lbs lost

Healthier, I no longer have breathing problems, I didn't get sick at Christmas and end up in the hospital like I had in the past. My feet don't swell anymore woo hoo!

I pay attention to the things I eat, I don't crave the junk and sweets. I manage my portions. I stop eating when I'm full even if its something I love and just want more! I don't think about how food will make me feel better, I deal with the problems as they come instead of covering them with food.

I take care of my outward appearance. I love clothes again even tho I shop cheap and only buy stuff on sale since it won't fit me for long. I can shop at other stores besides Wal-mart! I get excited every time I buy a smaller size of jeans. I love going to get spa treatments to pamper myself. I paint my toenails again since I can see my feet I'm a girly girl what can I say I love getting my hair done, buying new make up, clothes, purses, perfumes things that make me "me".

I am happy with me, even still being overweight. I smile more. I take time to talk to people. I say Hi to people I don't know. I spend time with my family. I can sit on the floor and play with my baby niece or take her for walks. I looked up old friends and rekindled some of those lost relationships. I do things I always wanted to do or had not done in a long time. I went to Sea World my favorite place that I hadn't been to in 10 years. I tell my family and friends how much they mean to me. I thank them for all there encouragement and support. I started dancing again from workout tapes to going out. I took many dance classes growing up and loved it. Currently looking for a "workout" dance class at a gym or someplace. Discovering all the things I love and dreamed about when I was younger. Realized I do not need a man in my life to be happy that only I can make myself happy.

I'm not lazy anymore! Ok somedays I am :) I crave things to do, I look for things to do. I rarely watch TV. I read again from stories to books to help me with weight loss. I write in my journal daily. I take my dog to the park. I go the gym 5-6 days a week it is no longer a chore, it is something I love to do. My insecurities are gone. I have a positive outlook on my life now even tho I am still figuring out exactly what direction I want my life to go.

Promoted at work. People talk to me now that didn't before. I'm not embarassed when a customer comes in that I know but had never met. Overall work experience has completely changed, its amazing how people treat you differently.. sad really but they do discriminate against us for our weight

What to do today..

Its Saturday.. I don't have to work so I have the day to do anything I want! Now 1 year ago I would of choose to sit in front of the TV or computer all day without even thinking of doing anything else. I admit I have my lazy days still :) So.. time to think about what can I do today that will help me with my goals. I have to stay busy as to not slide into any old habits.

1. Shower and get ready. If I feel good about how I look it uplifts my spirits and I make better decisions.
2. Take my dog to the park. Its good exercise for her and me!
3. Go the gym.
4. Call a few friends.
5. Have dinner with my parents.
6. Go out Dancing! :)

I'll keep editing as I figure out better things to do with my day!

Not eating enough...

I have been feeling the effects of my diet this last week. My calorie intake is way down. I had some labs done and my b vitamins, folic acid, and potassium are all way down. Time to get back to the basics of planning my meals out for the week. Used Fit-Day to count out the meals seems to be more helpful than my old way of journaling and looking up calories. That should hopefully help me get back up. Planning out next week and hitting the store tomorrow.

Exercise has been low since I pulled my back out last week. I'm very anxious to get back in there! Going to wait till Monday before I go back full time, also with my lack of food I guess not being at the gym so much is a good thing.